Joshua Mason's Newsletter

I walked away from everything seven years ago.

I left my career as a detective and my marriage came to an end. Those two events will teach you a lifetime of lessons in a short time.

Here are ten of the most valuable lessons I learned:

1. The conversations I avoided were the ones I needed to have the most

The most pressing factor in my unhappiness was unresolved conflict. My ex and I had wildly different spending habits. Instead of having an open conversation around it and working towards a compromise, we ignored it.

The spending issue was a constant source of tension.

We also had a different view of our families. My ex had almost no contact with hers, while I enjoyed spending time with mine. The tension mounted with every family gathering.

Now I address tension as it comes which keeps it from festering.

2. In a relationship, there are no little things

How I do the “little things” is a “big thing.” The big stuff makes up a fraction of a long relationship. The bulk of it will be the small stuff. I’d stopped giving my ex my attention when I was home.

I’d go right into reading a book or scrolling on my phone. I ignored the message it sent — I’d prefer this activity over engaging with you.

Do the small stuff every day, and the rewards will be enormous.

3. I’m on time for everything

There’s no easier way to show people you’re reliable, dependable, and respectful than by being on time. Be late, and you’ll send the opposite message. I let work cases take priority in my life, which meant I regularly canceled and missed plans at home. I was unreliable.

Now, I’ll be two hours early before I’m two minutes late.

4. My fears are overblown

When I left my job, I was terrified I’d be unhappy, broke, and void of meaning. My fear of leaving my marriage was even worse, but it shared a lot of the same roots. I’d be a failure with no options.

Not a single one of those fears proved true.

It wasn’t easy, but my world didn’t end like my mind had convinced me it would. I actually ended up happier and more fulfilled.

5. Change isn’t a possibility — it’s a guarantee

Are you the person you were five years ago? I doubt it. You’ve learned a lot, failed at some things, and probably had successes you never saw coming. Change is coming, and you can embrace it or fight against it.

Change isn’t optional, but the way in which you change is.

I didn’t realize it then, but I’d fought hard against change. Working as a detective was grinding on me, but I failed to accept that. Instead of moving into a new role, I stayed until the only remedy was a split from that career.

6. Comfort and discomfort are two sides of the same coin.

It’s in my nature to seek comfort. But if I’m comfortable for too long, I start to pursue growth. Growth comes from doing things I find uncomfortable. It’s a cycle I didn’t recognize then.

I had stayed in my comfort zone too long.

I was on autopilot. I did a job I knew well and then went home to my familiar life. My life now accommodates my cycles of growth and comfort.

7. I am the author of my story

My marriage was unhappy, but I chose to be in it. Just like solving cases and arresting bad guys wasn’t what I needed, even though I had pursued it and stayed with it. I counted on my spouse or my career to make me happy.

That wasn’t their role.

A career and a spouse can supplement happiness, but they can’t create it long-term. I write my story and only I can decide whether it’s a happy one. It’s not a group story.

8. The cost of inaction is higher than the cost of a bad decision

When you have two choices and choose the wrong one, you learn and move on. That’s how life works. When you have two choices but avoid making either one, you introduce a third option. It’s a decision by default.

The mind forgives a poor choice much faster than it will forgive being too afraid to make any choice.

By not choosing my path forward, my marriage became more complex. We bought a home that we had to sell. It wasted our time. Time that we could have used to get on with our lives.

9. Wasting time is far worse than wasting money

The divorce was expensive and demoralizing. It also spanned over a year. Knowing how costly it would be is one of the main reasons I’d avoided it. Within a few years, I’d made the money back.

The time, however, is lost forever.

I’d calculated the cost of divorce and gave it far too much say in what I would do. Not to mention the cost would only go up the longer I waited.

10. Never ignore the little voice in your head

Maybe you call it a “gut feeling”. Whatever the name, I had it long before I listened to what it was telling me. Instead, I rationalized ignoring it. That voice or feeling will tell you things you don’t want to hear.

Listen to it.

My voice told me that detective work was not what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It also told me my marriage was over. Acknowledging that voice would have saved precious time and heartache.

The road that led to this article was full of unexpected twists, turns, and potholes. I’m thankful for it. The lessons I’ve learned have shaped me into who I am today.

There are rare times in life where the best way forward, is to make sure the bridges behind you can’t be crossed again.

I burned the bridges.